The Battle of the Hyphenated Last Name

When Mark and I got married, I was adamant that I was keeping my last name in my name, so hyphenating seemed like the way to go.  Mark, not to be one-upped (since he already had a hyphenated last name), added my last name to his middle name (yes, it’s hyphenated also!).

Why did I want to keep my last name as part of my married name?  One reason is because of my identity—to myself, to my family, and to my heritage.  My last name represented so solidly for me a part of who I was and am.  But Mark’s last name also represented our new life together, as partners, and that I was joining his family.  So, hyphenating seemed a good representation of this partnership.  (In writing this blog post, I read other blog posts, and there were a few articles that suggested that hyphenated names did not show unity between the couple.  I am not quite clear about the logic of this argument, since to me, having both names represented shows the unifying of two families.)

A second reason I was interested in hyphenating (as opposed to changing my last name to Mark’s name), was for professional reasons.  I had already published (albeit, in tiny, college-level journals), but I didn’t want my future self to have issues with a name change during the course of my writing career.  (Since my writing career has stalled, this doesn’t seem to be as critical, but one can dream.)

A lesser third reason is I’ve never been big on doing something just because it’s tradition or what everyone does.  I believe in doing the thing that rings true for me—which in this case was hyphenating my last name.

But, even though I have always used my hyphenated name on all correspondence with family and friends, no one ever seems to get it right.  At the end of our wedding ceremony, we had asked our priest to present us simply as “Mark and Christy,” instead of “Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So.”  This was done for logistical reasons (because saying Mr. Mark J-N and Mrs. Christy B-J is pretty awkward), but also because, regardless of what we were doing with our last names, saying “Mark and Christy” was the best representation of us.

I have, on many occasions, responded to wedding invitations writing in both of our full names (Mark J-N and Christy B-J), only to arrive at the reception to find a nameplate with Christy J.  At Christmas, cards come from friends and family alike addressed to Christy and Mark J.  (Even my own mother, who tried to discourage me from hyphenating because it would make my name too long, addresses it this way!)  I’ve even gotten shower invitations (from both sides of Mark’s family) addressed to Christy J.  Even more frustrating is when I’m on the phone making a hotel reservation or taking care of a bill, and I always both say and then spell out my whole last name, and inevitably, the guy (and believe me, it’s always a guy on the other end) says “ok, Mrs. J, thank you for that information.”

As someone with a Polish last name that people pronounced correctly only about 20% of the time, I will admit that I am a bit sensitive about my name.  But, as I explained above, your name represents you, who you are, and your identity.  If people aren’t getting your name right, it does feel a bit like they didn’t take the time or effort or care to make sure they identify you as you.  I try to always make sure I have people’s names correctly as they want to be called—not as I think or assume their name is—and all I ask is for the same curtesy.  Don’t call me Mark if my name is Christy-Mark!